30/8 - 5/9

Tues:
early in the morning..
wake up then go Sg. Wang..
Ate Kim Gary..
long time no eat dy..
den curiously i looked at the receipt..
d no. 67!
LOL!
i rly c dis no. wherever i go..
fate??
lol..
den after dat go low yat.
buy camera!
yesh!
den ntg jor..
bek home..
keep test d new camera..
luv it~
bt d colour is red..
abit 'sharp'..

den nite pergi balik KL fetch bro..
lol..
pigi so many times..
nite..
everything as usual...
wad??
merdeka n everything is as usual @@
no countdown or anything..
ish~!
where's d spirit??
boring~

Wed:
waking up awkwardly late..
everything as usual..
damn..
u call dis merdeka @@
i feel ntg at all..
guess every1 is in d hari raya spirit~
woo..
nvm~

Thurs:
tuition...
sj for 3 hours..
wow..
i like junyi's reaction when it was over..
damn funny~
YES!

den bek home..
notice sumthin unusual happen agn..
or shud i say WTF!
y do u hav to do such things everytime??
so wad if i care..
d words u speak rly r insulting..
n u dun feel a thing..

fine!!

Fri:
as predicted..
u did everything i've expected..
fine..
i dun wanna do so much dy..
unexpectedly..
u found me @@!
okay, i was like wad???
nvm..
i spoke everything i felt..
bt u dun seem to gt it oso..
well..
fine then..
if u like making up stories..
dat's up to u..
i noe wad truly happened..
n i will not be fooled by u..

calm..

Sat:
i guess i woke up a lil..w
wad happened between u all shudnt be my business..
i shud only care how me n things work out..
nt u all..

tuition..
another tired day..

nite..
sumthin sort of piss me off..
bt when i rly care..
i will try my best to forgive..
bt..

Sun:
another tuition..
my back keep pain..
ish..
so weak la..

den balik when study..
carry d 'portable drawer' thingy..
hurt my finger..
n now gt a wound dere..
sad..
n pain..

i w8ed n w8ed..
all i gt is disappointment..

Mon:
exam!
BM..
paper 1..
consider normal..
im satisfied v d no. of words i've written..
gud or not dunno @@

paper 2 siao!
ans oso wan noe how kao lui de @@
how ans le??
den peribahasa..
nid to create self liao @@
jux hard @@

haiz..



i rly hate myself..
for caring ppl who doesnt care..
im sick of it..
wad for making me feel dat im important in ur life??
den u try to pull me back down agn..
im nt ur toy..
if im nt important..
jux say so..
dun giv me false hope in the 1st place..

(i)i keep forgiving wad ya did to me..
insults...
ignorance n so on..
bt all i gt is..
cruelty..
u nvr cared how i truly felt..
u only used me for ur own desire..

on the other hand..
(ii)i dunno wad u r thinking..
at 1st everything was alright..
bt suddenly..
u jux let me down agn..
tell me wad u wan..
if u wanna be alone..
say so..
i'll nvr bother u agn!


(mentioning quite some ppl here @@)

i feel like a fool..
a puppet..
being played around..
can i choose my path??
for once??

pls..
give me strength..




(if this is my essay tomolo.. i cant imagine how is d result.. teruk!)

19/8 - 29/8

About 1 week din post..

jux roughly post wad i rmb..

Fri:

school as usual..

ntg much..

tuition..

electone..

everything as usual..

Sat:

go tuition..

after sejarah..

beh tahan..

stomach ache..

go home..

rest..

missed tuition..

Sun:

went tuition..

after lunch den chest starts to feel pain..

lol..

pain jor whole nite..

haiz..

Mon:

din go school..

go c doc..

cuz of gastric..

make dou chest pain..

lol!!

medicine agn @@

early in the morning chat v mr Y pulak..

quite funny xia..

Tues:

go school..

still pain @@

den math teac nt around..

relief teac..

so try to sleep lo..

headache..

hard to sleep..

finally wan sleep jor..

SUM1 wan us wake up..

ish==!

luckily SUM1 din come in..

or else i dunno wan hw control my emotions..

so hard for me to sleep..

ish..

my chest so pain noe anot??

TT

den ntg much oso..

life nt being a prefect seems weird..

suddenly gt 1 baba jor wo~

haha!

1 dat is very young..

Wed:

morning perhimpunan..

actually every perhimpunan oso bored de..

bt 2day d gt merdeka special..

singing..

flag waving..

shouting n playing..

normally dis will b da day f5 is d active d most..

maybe cuz it might be da laz year dy..

den other things as usual..

bi teac din come..

den haiz..

all i can say..

dis is our attitude..

take it or leave it..

lol den ntg else i think..

ntg special..

Thurs:

once agn..

stomachache from nite till morning..

din go school agn..

morning oso chat v Mr. Y..

funny kia..

lagi funny..

saw yan d status!

omg..

learn ppl ponteng oso!

haha

means left hui only!

zd..

Fri:

bek to skul..

omg..

exam!!

last 2ndary school exam..

(SPM excluded)

omg..

anxious..

BC lagi..

hard..

paper 1..

section A dunno which to choose..

d address is d main prob..

Section B wrote "beautiful hand"..

is all i can think..

as usual..

only use 1 paper for dis==

paper 2..

damn hard..

especially wen yan wen..

omg..

wanna bang myself..

den simply do jor..

after skul meeting for d cert thing..

ntg much dy..

Sat:

usual tuition lifestyle..

long hours...

Sun:

same..

bored..

Mon:

dunno y cant sleep long..

excited??

so watch VMA lo..

abit bu shuang..

keep kena disturbed..

ish..

den my things r 'touched'..

fine la..

nt important anymore..

take it..

den ntg much all day long..

thx ..... 4 trusting..

even i was jux playin @@

bt since..

den fine la..

*sealed*

dunno y 2day rly F-ed up..

hate many things..

ish..

jux let me ignore u..

i hate it!

16/8 - 18/8

Tues:
after perhimpunan..
went bilik pengawas to discuss abt da AJK list..
it was tough..

den after dat..
knew dat pn rosnah wanted to see us...
haiz..
so after moral went dere..
luckily we went @@
guess dat's my responsibility..

after school stayed bek..
abit annoyed..
honestly..
im tired of it..
wad i said is nvr been heard..
even if i've said..
dey will nt even bother..
seriously..
i prefer to stay away alone..

i hate seeing how other ppl show me deir faces..
how dey hate dis or dat..
pls..
im nt da only culprit..
y only show it to me??
ever heard of respect?
y can we do it..
bt y nt u guys??
wad's da difference..

some of u might hav da ability to things well..
bt ur ego will only bring u down..
dis is da reality!

finally i let out..
how i felt..
abt how dey treated me..
yes..
perhaps sum of u will think..
giving from ur heart is enuf..
dun hav to expect things from others..
bt no!
im a human too!
i hav feelings!
maybe u're saying dat cuz u haven been thru wad i've been..
bt 2day i jux spoke out..
i cant take it anymore..

Wed:
a day i've waited for months or years..
bt..
when it arrives..
sumhw..
i feel..
nt willing to let go..
i miss da feeling..
is lik sumthin important to me is gone now..

everything started n ended well..
maybe dere's some error..
bt overall..
it was good..

bt..
my life seems weird..
dull..
empty?
dunno wad to do during recess..
unlik others..
i prefer myself doing duties..
at least i hav sumwher to go..
bt now..
i guess i can jux walk around..
bt it seems weird..
wad can i do..

miraculously..
i did nt cry..
it was tough..
to accept dat for once im retired..
i dun hav to do duties anymore??
wad is it lik to be in da row during assembly..
nice?
bored?
will it be better to walk around??
bt i guess it is better to walk around...
haiz..
bt i muz let go anyway..

Thurs:
1st day of normal life..
bt unfortunately..
stomachache..
haiz..
absent..
so after waking up..
headache==!
wad's wrong man..
keep falling ill..

heard dat dere's a talk in school..
is it my luck to miss it??
lol!

13/8 - 15/8

Sat:
ntg usual..
cuz jux tuition..
den deactivated acc..
so ntg much to do..
do hw lo..

Sun:
tuition..
suddenly stomachache..
argh..
cham liao..
mcm gastric

den balik..
makan kfc~
yum~

balik rumah..
finiz hw..
den once agn reactivate my acc..
wow..
ntg much diff..
bt at least can tahan..

Mon:
2day went bc ceramah..
at SJK(C)Sentul..
around 6.30 reach school..
teac's orders..
bt actually 650 lik dat only start to go..

1st time sit kind of old-fashioned bus..
nt bad~
15 ppl + 2 teac went..
only 4 boys..
lol!

reach dere.
lots of ppl..
many primary school de frenz..
ying ying..
jason,
junhao,
soojean,
zhaohong,
akwardly,
qihua n jinyi sat behind me..
lol!

bt rly glad to c u guys..
even..
ntg much to say..
situation very awkward..

den many many ceramah..
some very funny..
saw a very tall de girl..
taller than me almost a head @@!
a head man!
imagine how tall..

den ntg much..
jux rly funny..
especially when bek dat time..
karwoon say gt ppl stalk me!
lol!!

den da bus nt working..
dey push push xia can start jor..
+ raining heavily..
lol..

in bus quite funny v them~
jux lik it..

bek home ntg much~

i luv dis day xia~
haha~!

12/8

Fri:
2day is a special day..
nt for me of cuz..

Happy birthday~!


bt for me..
it's nt a gud day..
nt quite..


morning..
open my camera..
damn..
cant work anymore..
rly hate it..
it has lived for around 4 years..
finally..
it died today..
few days ago..
it was completely okay..
it was once sick..
bt then..
it was recovered..
bt who knows..
everything came in the sudden..
haiz..

den..
helped teac v da plkn thing..
used around 4 periods to finiz everything..

den..
recess..
dey celebrated yan d bday...
dey did a lot of things..
she must be touched..
a cake..
some bread which make up words..
wow..
mh say still gt 2 more present haven buy yet tim..

suddenly sumthin strike my mind agn..
pull down my mood..
agn..

den sumthin worse happened..
i went to da canteen..
i saw 4 ppl..
to be exact..
4 prefects..
i asked a question..
nobody replied..
ok..
maybe din hear..
i shouted!
agn n agn!
nt once..
bt twice or thrice..
i felt very shit!
da worst is..
1 of them looked at me?!!!
i repeated wad i said..
end up walk away as if im transparent!
wtf??!!
respect much?
none of u reacted!
wad r u?
animals??
deaf or sumthin??

dis rly spoiled my mood..
lately i've became very emotional..
once agn..
i broke down..
bek to class..
jux lay down...
let everything out..
cool down..

i feel..
dis world is terribly unfair..

honestly..
i hate acting..
bt i hav to..
to smile..
when in my heart it hurts..
bt who knows..
more importantly..
who cares..
jux when i wan to tell sum1..
all i gt is ignorance..

at least i managed to keep my promise..

y m i still treating other ppl gud?
whereas dey treat me harshly..
i jux wan sum1 to talk v..
bt no..
no1 was dere with a helping hand..

no1 understand how i truly feel..
did i do anything wrong?
i did my best to fulfill every1's wish...
trying to treat them nice..
trying to be caring..
bt..
in the end..
i gt ntg in return..
yes..
maybe giving doesnt mean we shud gt anything in return..
bt..
is it too much for me to hope for sum1 who cares?
i noe i expected too much..

perhaps i shud be harsh n ignorant?
bt dis is nt my personality..
by then, im nt myself anymore..
shud i rly be sum1 im nt??
wad can i do?
i rly nid sum1 to talk to...

10/8

Wed:
2day is nt a gud day..
I've gt from depressed to humiliated..
by myself of cuz..

early in the morning..
i hav da feeling to stay at home..
i dun feel lik going to school..
in the end i went..

sumthin terribly embarrassing happened..
it had nvr happened for a long time..
bt..
i've tried so hard to gt ok n walk out..
in the end..
until teac told me abt it..
y can i be depressed till lik dis??!!
y??!!!!
it was totally embarrassing..
once agn..
i broke down..
tears drop silently..
dere i was alone..
suddenly..
ppl came in the room..
dey muz hav tot im sleepy n sleeping..
bt who would hav tot dat i actually..
...
I HATE TODAY!!!!!

den PJ stayed in bilik pengawas..
do some work..
nobody actually bothered wad had happened..
or shud i say nobody actually felt my presence..
as if im transparent..

i walked out..
bt i dun feel lik seeing anyone..
even though no1 saw it..
bt..
i rly dun feel lik seeing anyone..
i feel lik hiding myself in a hole..

during recess..
i feel lik being alone..
bt i dun wan to be in class..
or else i will be annoyed by SUM1..
so i chose to go to da prefects' room..
slept for a few minutes..
den started to go hav my duty..
felt much better i guess..
bt i still cant gt over it..
dere i walked..
here n dere..
trying to find a place i belong..

i ignored many ppl actually..
or shud i say i rly dun feel lik talking..
to anyone..
i noe no1 noes..
bt i jux cant gt over it in my heart..
it was da most embarrassing thing ever!
so..
..

after school..
went to find teac..
cuz da f4 jux had deir interview..
wanna find out da result..
da teacs r gonna hav a meeting to talk abt it..
so dunno result yet..

den it was raining terribly..
i rly wan to stand in the rain..
let da rain beat on my body..
n i did..
bt it was quite heavy by then..
bt at least better than ntg..
dis might sounds stupid..
bt i lik it..

i deactivated my fb account..
temporarily..
i wanna stay myself away from da 'world' for a while..
i dunno how to face da problem..
how i wish everything ends now..
everything..
sumhw..
it was nice knowing u guys..
bt i wont be da person i was..

look on the bright side..
at least i can try to stop my addiction..
let's see how long i can take it..

stop asking why's..
im tired of it..
dere i was sad n depressed..
bt WHERE WERE YOU?!!
where u dere to actually care?
how can i actually accept sum1 who actually dun rly care abt me?
bt only care abt u urself..
all u hav told me is abt wad u wan..
do u noe wad i wan?
do u noe wad i've been thru?
do u noe how much pressure i had?
all u wan is to make me guilty..
guess wad?
u did it!
CONGRATULATIONS!
bt FYI..
i aint gonna do anything abt it..
im tired of dis..
hate me if u wan..
i doesnt matter anymore..
u weren't dere when im depressed..
y wud i wan u to be here when im okay?
"A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED"
ever heard of it?
do the math!

it doesnt mean anything anymore..
being in the crowd is still the same..
da heart is still empty..

You Never Cared!

Everything is just a lie..

4/8 - 9/8

Thurs:
ntg much..

Fri:
still da same..

Sat:
ntg much oso..
another tired day..
nite parents go dinner..
bt..
im still lazy..

Sun:
after tuition go hav haircut..
dinner abit @@
nvm..
haiz..

Mon:
Pn. Tay's retirement..
prepared a speech..

gav my speech..
i was holding my paper..
den dere was no stage..
in the end..
my hands were trembling..
bt managed to control it..
bt i was speaking quite fast..
at least clear?

den after dat chat v wilson..
"counseling session"..
bt i was annoyed by sum1 else..
it's nt da 1st time..
everytime i talking to sum1..
he will jux come around n talk to him/her..
hello?
ever notice my presence?
jux barge in rudely..
u dont even respect me as ur senior..
fine..

den i was talking to him..
u still come here n say dis say dat..
i ask u to leave..
u still wan to say me "huai ren"??
wtf?
who do u think u r?
ever heard of arahan ketua?
i haven complain u guys weren't doing a good job..

if dere's any other ppl wud lik to hav 'counselling session' v me..
come find me..
i'll welcome u..
bt 1st..
make sure u r doing things rite..
or else..
DONT COMPLAIN AT ALL!
do wad ur duties r..
nt nosing around other ppl's stuff!

den i jux said everything im suppose to say..
perhaps dey r nonsense..
perhaps dey r useful??
anyway dose r my true experience..
n i've said wad i wanted..
now to leave or not is ur decision..
appreciate every chance u hav..
dun waste it..

Tues:
dere's ntg to say much in class..
bt 2day is an emotional day..

it started all well..
until i found out sumthin..
i thought n thought abt it..
i felt unfair..
during perhimpunan..
i managed to control my tears..
bt in class..
i cant..
bt luckily no1 was aware of it..
at least i did it silently..
felt a lil better..

during recess..
i feel lik being alone..
im afraid i will noe summore things..
bt still..
some thoughts kept crawling in my mind..
agn..
tears drop..
trying to hide it..

it falls furiously..
bt..
i felt alone..
da thoughts kept running in my mind..
i felt dat dis world is terribly unfair..

when i wanted to find sum1 who cares..
i feel alone..
y r dey special??
wad i've done dat is nt enuf..
i rly dun understand..
how can i fake my emotions anymore..
da more i fake..
da worse i felt..

im tired of my life..