27/9

Tues:

"Choice of words"

went bek to school..
saw some of my results..
still quite satisfy with it..
phy gt 89..
left 1 mark gt 90 argh..
wasted..
bt still satisfy though..
even nt highest dy..
BM paper 2 70..
dunno how to say..
average mark @@
hope p1 wont be too bad..

den 2day gt quite many papers..
math 99..
ish..
stupid question..
even skema oso wrong!
my ans same as skema de lo @@
y nt right le?? XD
funny la..
wad oso ikut skema..
when i right den sure wun ikut skema 1..
lol la!
nvm..
suan le..
at least midterm gud la..

den bio 70++..
gt improvement la..
dis time no take tips..
so gt marks lik dis oso consider nt bad..

sj..
@@
unexpected gt 80+..
bt guilty la..
cuz ada tips punya..
haiz..
rly shocked oso..
hav to rly work for it during spm..
muz try my best..

moral 92..
weeee~
2nd highest..
yer..
lose to yan agn..
teac rly funny la..
ppl A+ oso purposely wan find mistake de..
lol!
quite happy though..

den ntg much@@

as for my feelings..
dunno wad to say abt it..
ppl changed..
perhaps i did to..
when ppl told me I've changed..
I dun rly rmb how i used to be..
cheerful?
nt quite sure..

N 1 thing I've learned..
choice of words is important..
different choice of words..
bring up different meaning..
sometimes it may be cruel too..
bt u urself wudn't know it..
n from "choice of words"..
I can kinda see how sum1 rly feels..
at least dose words muz be sincere de la..
if faking sure cant..
bt i can kinda guess out how sum1 feel..
indeed some words will only make us feel annoyed..

sumhw..
i feel lik a new born baby..
I dun quite understand how dis world works..
everything changes in split second..
u will nvr noe wad will happen next in life..
some ppl will be very kind n friendly now..
talking lik best friends..
bt perhaps a day later or two..
dey will treat u lik " who are you?"..
dun disturb me!
i rly cant figure out wad do dey truly feel..

1 thing for sure..
I care wad ppl think of me..
I noe i cant take it..
this is my weakness..
I've been trying my best to please almost everyone..
bt sumhw my temper jux makes it worse..
since young..
Im hot tempered..
i knew it..
bt i jux cant change it..

bt wad i not quite understand is..
y cant i do things dat other ppl do to me?
it's nt fair to me at all..
when every1 else does d thing..
ntg happens..
bt once i do it..
I'm d 1 to be blamed..
to be scolded..

i dunno when is a person smiling sincerely..
when is it when he/she is jux waiting for a chance to stab me..

I know it's not deir duty to care abt me..
bt I was dere for them..
y cant dey be dere for me?
It might be selfish for me to say dat..
bt..
who in dis world does nt hav desire?

sumtimes..
when ppl r in depressed..
i tried my best to comfort them..
giving dem advice..
trying all my best to make dem feel better..
bt actually..
i hope 1 day when im in trouble or depressed..
U will be dere for me..
perhaps jux listening is enuf..
bt u noe how annoying is it for me to see dose symbols??
-.-
==
zz
...
dis jux shows me how reluctant u r to listen to me..
den y do u find me in d first place?
if u wanna noe..
den listen it lik u care..
dun giv me dis kind of reaction..
u dunno how much it hurts..
im speaking out how i truly feel..
bt u r taking it as a joke..
i dun nid u to help me kill or steal or do anything..
jux some words dat can cheer up..
dat's enuf..
bt..
if u jux show me how reluctant u r..
do u think i will feel better??

who doesn't wan to be happy all the time??
who doesn't wan to laugh all the time??
bt i cant..
things hav given me more pressure..
more depressed..
i can barely even control my temper..
i can jux blow up at any minute..
bt who knows??
who knows how hard is it for me??

I put down everything..
my dignity..
pride..
acting lik as if ntg wrong..
even im also mad..
i dun k!
i 4gt abt it..
trying to fix things over..
bt who realizes it?
I admit wad I've done wrong..
bt in the end..
wad do i gt..
being a laughing stock??

I am weak!
I admit that..
I wanted to be strong..
bt i cant..
i cant ignore things dat happen around me..
I know i cant change any1..
bt i rly hope for it..
d way i treat u b4..
is d way how u wan to treat me..
bt all i gt is disappointment..
i dun think u rmb-ed wad i did for u..
I guess I'm still living in the past..
where every1 hav moved on..
I'm still dere alone..
wondering when will u guys come back..
even though i noe it'll nvr happen..
In the end..
i loses control of my emotions..
Im trying my best to "fit in"..
I jux cant..
it hurts me to see all of u being so kind to each other..
sharing secrets n all..
bt..
im jux a nobody..

i tried my best to act strong..
n ignorant..
bt..
eventually it jux fails..
i cant be strong..
im nt d kind of person who's strong..

trying to adapt myself..
treating ppl d way dey treat others..
bt in the end is still d same..
fate??
no matter how i do..
It jux dun seem to work..
as time goes by..
I think I've changed..
adapting myself with all sorts of behaviours..
bt..
how much hav i changed??
I wanna noe...
I wanna noe how i was back then..
I wanna noe who I rly am..

I chose friendship over pride & dignity..
is dis a wrong choice??
will i ever make a right choice in my life?




You know..
when Im in depressed..
close frens of mine wont find me..
in fact..
miraculously..
dose who i tot isnt too close found me..
a simple msg dat rly cheered me up..
even it only consist of 2 words..

YOU've been there with me every time..
No matter how bad i treated you..
you'll still be dere for me..
telling me wad's rly happening..
for this..
I rly wanna thank you..
Thanks..

trying my best to be strong..

26/9

Mon:

"words can kill"

Once agn stomach ache..
din go to school..
den went to a chinese medical centre..
rly @@
1st time experience..

2day..
i felt better..
better than yesterday at least..
my aim now..
SPM..
n for dat..
i hav to brace myself..
abt friendship..
let bygones be bygones..
dere's ntg i can do left..

i do apologize for d vocab i've used..
bt seriously..
i was mad..
it was nt d 1st time dis happen..
n i jux cant control my temper anymore..
let's jux say..
when an argument happens..
for sure both side r wrong..
in anyway..
so..
if u like me..
i'll lik you bek..
bt if u hate me..
dat's up to u..

when i start to tell u abt my matter..
it means dat i bliv u..
i open myself to u..
bt if u think im annoying dat way..
jux say so..
dun act lik u care..

lastly..
i again apologize for d choice of words i've used..
let time heal all wounds..

trying to change myself to adapt everything..
i did it once..
i can still do it agn!

SPM will be d only aim for now!
I must do it!!

25/9

Sun:

情绪化的一天··

看到不想看见的东西···
心里依然不明白···
难道我真的又做错了吗？
你到底想怎样？！

明明自己不开心的···
却要在家人面前装无作样···
看见食物也不想吃···
甚至对快餐也反感了···
难道有得了厌食症？！

为什么总是爱为了别人而折磨自己？？
看见你们朋友到处都是···
我真的很羡慕···
甚至妒忌···
想找一个人来谈···
有的就只是敷衍···
算了···
再说下去也没有用···
有的就不经意让人家麻烦了···

今天何一个不是很熟的人谈天···
但是却让我知道了很多事···
我在你们心目中真正的看法···
我知道我很烦···
但我也只想发泄下··
这样也过分吗？
却没想到会让你们这样看我··
突然觉得自己··
又开始变得自己一个了···
身边再也没有人了··

为什么他们都能找到知己？
而我···
有事也不知如何开口···
身边的问题也越来越多···
难道要找一个可以投靠朋友也这样难吗？
我只想过得快乐···
这也不能···
说神不会不公平···
但为什么我需要重复不断的面对同一个问题···
难道真的是我态度上的问题？
还是人缘不好？

一个接着一个离开我··
不知如何是好···

我知道也许以后我会很怀念这中学生涯···
但是我真的撑不住了···
我真的很想离开这地方···
甚至离开人间···
真的完全失去斗志了···
没有方向···
身边一切好听的话只是谎言···
从来就没有人真正在乎我的存在···
为什么我就是要面对这么多考验？
连续不断的打击···
要如何撑下去？

看开点···

我真的做不到！

24/9

"不知所措"

Sat:
morning damn sleepy..
cuz late sleep..
tuition lik torturing..

den after dat bek home..
play com oso can sleep dere..

after dat prepare 2 school..
mid-autumn festival~
lol..

reach dere den c yan..
den w8 go in lo..
ntg much happened at 1st..
jux watch performance n stuff..
until...
suddenly..
sumthin happened..

dis is d 1st time i heard sum1 cry so loud..
(except for my own self of cuz)
i dunno wad to do man..
jux walked around..
hoping i can do sumthin..
den dat kah chun sang his initial song..
"3 WORDS"
lol!!!
cried even louder..
omg..
i dunno wad to do..
(no offence)
dis is rly lik watching a drama..
d person crying n gt background sad music..
dat time rly @@
my eyes oso wet wet jor ..

i noe i may nt be lik d others..
i dunno how to comfort sum1..
bt jux to tell u..
im oways behind u..
supporting u..
if u nid me..
i'll be there..
if u dont..
den nvm @@

den play a while with dat LIL BOY!!
lol la~!

2day rly dunno how to say..
jux maybe affected abit..
self oso nt rly in mood..

den gt sumthin annoying happened..
y do i hav to c u for 2 times a day!?
ish..
still hav to act lik is ntg..
bt rmb wad u did to me..
it sucks!
hate it!

17/9 - 23/9

“为了他人而折磨自己的笨蛋！”

Sat:
tuition..
ntg much..
quiet~~~

Sun:
same thing..
quiet..
keep working for d exam..

Mon:
b4 exam rly sumthin ish==!
boo apa la..
boo boo boo..
still a kid a?
grow up la!!
lol!!
cuz of ur boo..
every1 end up hav to stay bek!
cuz of d booo!!
n none of u boo-ers hav d guts to admit..
den wad for u boo??

ish..
i oso kena @@!
class only 3 ppl kena..

argh..
den quickly rush bek..
exam start dy..
argh!!!!!!
hate it..
rush!!

physics..
haiz..
dunno wad to say..
tried my best..
hope wun hav stupid mistakes or wad..
damn scare man..
argh..
everynite oso very late sleep..

Tues:
a terribly weird day..
exam..
physics 3..
still normal..
after recess..
starts d weird part..

XX actually jux used d ruler to measure.....
den let teac c dou!
omg..
haha..
den i kena pull down water oso!!!
wth??
im innocent lo!!!

den still normal..
after pjk..
sivik..
lol la..
finish jor..
bt more n more guys went 'toilet'..
play bball==!
deng..

den suan jor..
teac jux said..
who finish jor wan pass up den pass up..
only 30 min..
haha..
i wan check de..
bt every1 pass up..
mcm bu hao yi si..
so jux pass up lo..
1st time exam no check @@

den ntg much dy~

Wed:
last day of exam..
chemistry @@
dunno wad to say abt it..
speechless..
finally over~!!!
yes!!!
relax..

in the middle of d nite..
i tidied my room!
woosh!!
damn tired..
use d vacuum cleaner at nite..
haha..
noisy-nya..
satisfy though..

Thurs:
morning go school..
v no pressure..
lol!
den go taman dere kenggai..
syok..

den ntg much for me to say..
at class play card..
play card..
n play card..
whole day lik dat sien..
ntg to do oso..

Fri:
morning go school..
lol..
ntg to do 1..
very few ppl came..
den at class..
play cards..
my math a..
careless a............
TT

den play cards agn..
recess is abit unusual..
played v lil kids agn..
1 yongwai..
lol..
ur brain a.
rly a..
i noe u dun wan "mouth"@@
dun hav to mention==!
i nvr thought of it..
REVENGE IS SWEET~!

den another zenyi..
aiyer..
notty boy!!
keep lying..
lying n lying..
cuz wan borrow things den wad oso say de chu..
haiz..
haha..
bt funny oso..

den only i noticed my classmates can be HILARIOUS..
playing catch in d class room..
'football @@'
den guessing words..
animal+true or dare..
lots of games..
funny la!

bt few of us choose to play cards only..
haha..
time flies..
after going home..
go jusco..
lol..
watched johnny english..
all i can say is..
when no mood..
see wad oso fake de..
cant laugh lik dose ppl==
jux an instant normal laugh..
i wonder how dose ppl laugh..
some r even nt dat funny oso..
laugh lik dey've nvr been to any comedy shows b4..
speechless..
maybe im more suitable to watch movie alone..
i dun lik ppl talking so much as if we dunno wad is happening...
hello..
jux watch la..
im oso watching..
i noe wad is happening..
ish==!

den ntg much..
saw koon koon oso..
den ntg much..
go bek..

no mood hav dinner agn..
haiz..

den tuition n organ..
tired man...

1stly,
im nt rly in mood today..
bt once i heard sumthin..
i felt relieved!
or maybe shud i say..
SERVE U RIGHT!!
u nvr appreciate wad i've given..
so now u jux hav to face d consequences!
so happy to know dat..

2ndly,
i dunno wad is in ur mind..
i nvr und wad u r thinking..
u say dis..
bt in the end u act d other way..
lol..
my eyes hurt..
stop being dat way..
it's jux getting disgusting..

3rdly,
i oso dunno wad u wan..
it's been so long dy..
bt still..
u r still d same..
i rly dun und..
u think is fun fooling me around??
just when i tried to 4gt ur presence...
dere u come agn n find me..
den..
once agn u jux go without no reasons..
u noe im rly tired??
actually i tot i can tell u everything..
bt it seems dat u r 1 of dem who dun even care..
once agn im disappointed..
u weren't dere for me at all when i needed...
can u jux tell me wad u wan??
if is so hard for u to press a send button..
den pls..
dun giv me hope anymore..
let me jux 4gt abt ur presence..
dun torture me dat way..
u nvr knew how much it hurts..

4thly?
dis is nt d 1st time i scolded u..
bt is d 1st time i scold u thru d net v 'words'..
seriously im tired of it..
u keep come telling me i din tell u abt my things..
i tell other ppl bt i din tell u..
do u actually think u deserve it?
when im trying to tell..
all u r showing me is IGNORANCE..
since u dun k at all..
dun bother to ask anyway!
dun waste my time!
dun be another 1 of them..
telling me dis n dat..
in the end oso ignore n abandon me..
wtf u think u all r??
im nt a toy!

16/9

Fri:

Title: "Another wrong decision"

2day can be considered a busy day..
morning woke up early in the morning..
went to d market v mum..
bought some chicken wings..
den makan..
saw a very special cat..
quite cute bt fierce..

den went for lunch..
walked around whole aman puri to look for candles..
den drove to sumwhere near my hse..
gt sell..
bt i dunno how big..
so bought 2 only..

den went yan hse..
w8..
w8..
w8..

den start mahjong..
play play xia no mood liao..
stomachache..

den ntg much..
heard mh bought 10 boxes==!
lol!

den dey arrived..
start setting up d fire..
first time for me..
quite an experience..

den w8ed for a long time..
finally can dy..
den start burning food..
actually i lik a few food..
raining whole nite..
quite windy..

den after cleaning up..
went out to play with candles..
under d drizzling rain..
quite fun......

den ntg much..
went bek..

from today..
i saw quite sum things..
humans nature in exact..
i shud've known..
it all r d same..

!
dunno how to say abt it..
im rly disappointed..
d way u do things..
d way u treat ppl..
u r already doing it dy..
i jux asked for a lil favour..
wad did i gt..
complains!
isit dat hard to jux add a lil thing?
it din even waste any energy if urs!
how many favours u asked from me??!
did i ever complain once??!
i nvr turn down d favours u asked for..
bt wad u said rly made me..
disappointed..

@
d way u treat ppl..
i rly doubted..
do u even noe wad is manners??
at least pay some respect man..
no matter how much u think it's funny..
still..
at least show some respect..
dun take things for granted..
wad given to u is nt necessary..
u dun deserve dose at all..

#
i dunno wad to say d most..
is..
i tried my best..
bt it turns up d same..
i tried..
bt..
guess dat'll jux be it..
dunno wad's in ur mind..
dunno wad's in my mind either..
at least i gav it a try..
wan it or nt..
dat's ur decision..

$
somehow i cant communicate as much i thought i wud v u anymore..
it jux feels different..
i tried..
bt..
it jux do..

=
perhaps i jux cant "FIT IN"..
was i being over-caring?
i try to care how other feels..
n leaving myself bhind..
is dis another wrong decision??
perhaps i shudn't hav think of dis thing..
it din turn up as well as i think..
at least..
nt for me..
maybe i jux dunno how to treat ppl as dey wan it..
im nt funny..
nt cool enuf or anything..
im jux ntg..
ntg to be seen or heard..

I should've known..
everything will nvr turn up good for me..
nvr..

6/9 - 15/9

It's been a long time since i've been around..

Tues:
english exam..
dunno wad to say about it..
did a very interesting topic..
hope i can score dat..

went to tuition..
many din come @@

Wed:
Math~
ntg much to say..
jux hope no careless!!
i wanna score 100..
if possible..@@

Thurs:
moral only..
bt very lol lo..
teac suddenly came in n say memorize dat paper's kata kunci..
we memorize de dat paper dun read jor @@
shock dao..
den c bek..
everything almost d same @@

exam still quite ok..
hope wun wrong so much la..

Fri:
slept very very late..
cuz..
SEJARAH..
haiz..
still couldn't dat gud..
i wan an A..
@@
haiz..

afternoon kept sleeping..
until nite go organ oso dunno how..
no prac dou..
haiz..

Sat:
tuition abit sien..
stomachache..
wan dun go de..
bt kena forced..
suan..

Sun:
ntg much..
study...........

Mon:
add math..
haiz..
sum questions use wrong method dy..
haiz..
rly scare will careless..
insufficient time..

Tues:
Bio!
study till very very late..
later den study for sj..
weird..
den exam..
wow..
luckily i went for tuition on sat..
ngam ngam gt do..
miracle!
luckily i managed to recall bek a lil..
bt still..
many dunno how rite..
haiz..
sum totally wrong concept..
scare wrong whole question..
haiz..
terrible..

den when going bek home..
i was surprised i saw sumthin..
which usual does not happen..

walk walk walk..
suddenly i saw sumthin unpleasant..
out of so many times..
y must i see such things at d time lik dis??!
i mean..
everything wun happen..
bt when it does..
sumthin bad follows!
argh!!
i couldn't blame any1 for dis..
bt i blame fate..
i kept seeing things i dun like..
do U hav to treat me lik dis??

b4 sleeping after studying..
once agn..
i tot of alot of memories..
between US..
it happened a lot..
between dese few years..
ALOT..
i jux cant seem to 4gt..
every single bit of moment let my tears fall..
I miss it..


Wed:
lagi terrible..
paper 3 of bio n chem..
dunno which to read..
jux scare of it..

bt it turn out normal..
noe abit dunno abit..
haiz..

Thurs:
2day suppose gt exam..
bt gt celebration..
exam postponed..
so maybe it's indirectly telling to rest??
staying up very late for quite some day..
den slept for 12 hours ++
from 7pm sleep to next day 8 am..
lol!
skipped my dinner oso @@

watch dragonball..
weirdly..
d no. on d motorcycle is 67!
ish!! out of million of no.s y only dis 2??
y nt others??
y i c dis no. every where????!!
fate!!!

haiz..

jux feel..
abit..
mooooody..

i think is time to force myself..
stop caring so much..
it's jux not worth it at all..
i hope it did..
bt..
everything jux gt worse n worse..
i wish i could jux blame fate for all dis n move on..
bt..
if it's wasnt cuz of u..
none of dese would hav happened!!
i rly dunno wad to say abt u..
i tried everything to 4gt abt it..
bt now..
i cant..

argh!!!!