7/10 - 10/10

Fri:
another no school day..
bt oso a bz nite..
start to feel fed-up with the friday life..
busy busy busy..

well..
bt 2day is different..
something happened..
a close incident..
or accident..
in other words..
i nearly gt knocked by a car..
well..
d car haven n i was walking pass it..
den when im nearly in front..
d car starts to move..
instead of stopping..
i walked faster..
y??
i dunno..
dat was jux a sudden choice..
'reflex action'?
after dat i started to feel weird..
y din i stop..
i nearly gt knocked man..
bt in my thoughts..
wad if i gt knocked..

wad will happen..
i couldn't focus at all in my organ class..
keep making mistakes..

what if....

Sat:
ntg much..
tuition as usual..
a very hungry day..

Sun:
after tuition.
starts to wonder what to wear on saturday..
damn..
i think i dun hav any thing..
den since family wan eat Kim Gary..
so went the curve..
gt chance buy shirt too!
went there..
i was lik WOW..
d main prob is i dun rmb going dere b4..
maybe once or twice..
bt i dun rmb how was it..
since it has been a long time..

walk for quite long..
bt in the end..
ntg..
bt my mom bought a few things@@

sumhw..
for sum1 who dun lik to go for shopping..
I suddenly dun feel lik going bek home..
even though my legs r damn tired..
bt i feel very comfortable with the environment..
i feel lik jux sit dere forever..
bt if dere's a nice view..
it wud be better..

from the way of speech..
i noe it's impossible between us..
bt then i jux cant stop myself from doing sumthin stupid..

at night..
a nice view agn..
dere's a halo like thingy around d moon..
it makes d sky look perfect..
i hope d moment last forever..
cuz sum things can nvr be captured down even with a camera..
it is jux nt d same..

Mon:
2day is an emotional day..
i dunno how to say it..
early in the morning..
gt shocked by seetho's new hair style @@
WOW..

bt then early in the morning..
i hav to gt pissed..
ppl sure lik to annoy me..
fine..
jux tolerate..
bt things gt worse later..
my stomach starts to ache..
n my nose starts to 'run'??

bt then..
dis doesnt make things as worse as the other things dat happened..
y is everything so unfair..
every1 is d same..
bt some ppl wil jux gt more privilege..
wad makes dose ppl different??
in fact..
some ppl may be whole lot better..
bt y we gt different treatments??

well..
even though im very sensitive n emotional..
not to mention str8 forward..
bt im quite impressed by myself..
i can rly act in front of teachers..
no matter how angry i m..
or how sad..
depressed??
annoyed..
i can act lik ntg happen..

until i walk away...
i might break down n cry..

like today..
i suddenly jux cant control my emotions..
well..
i prefer to be silent for sum times..
cuz by then..
i might 4gt abt it..
bt sumtimes i choose to say it out..
cuz i cant stand d way u act!

y is everything so unfair??
y do u gt everything bt i dont??
wad hav u done which i have not??
im sick of it man!

argh!!
i hate myself a lot..
i noe dere's a part of me dat dun nid any1 in life..
bt i jux cant find out dat part of me..
i oways hope to hav sum1 with me when i nided..
for dat..
i did a lot of stupid things..
which humiliated myself too..
jux bcuz i wan sum1 to suppport me..
well..
dat's stupid..

i rly hope dat these things will change 1 day..
i wanna be sum1 who's ignorant enuf to live alone..
still standing strong even dere's no1 around me..
being happy even my frens start to ignore me..
bt can i do it??

Well..
i hav to apologize to sum ppl..
dat actually cared..
bt i unintentionally scolded..
well..
sumtimes i jux cant control my emotions..
dat's y i choose to 'sleep'..
bt d truth is..
i aint rly sleeping..
is jux dat my tears r falling n i dun wan ppl to see it..
so pls dun disturb me..
if im rly sleeping..
i wud wake up already n hit u==!

1 more month to go..

4/10 - 6/10

Tues:

went to school..
surprisingly..
saw waihong dere..
coming to help..

den ntg much..
do physics..
chemistry..
add math..
bio..
den we call it a day..
well..
d bio module is rly thick..
den ntg much..


Wed:

another usual day..


Thurs:

morning saw sumthin on fb..
Steven Jobs is dead..
kinda shocking..
bt ppl hav to move on..
R.I.P.

dis morning..
intended to go to school..
bt then..
stomach ache agn..
end up din go..

den afternoon went to renew passport..
quite fast..
long time dy...

den i knew abt sumthin..
which gt me abit moody..
which i dun rly understand..
y do u hav to be dis way..
cant u jux let go??

den tuition..
shukoon n i exchanged seats..
den he started to act lik me..
indeed a lot of my actions i normally do..
bt i started to understand..
i hav totally 4gt how i used to be like..
i dunno wad im doing now..
ive been doing things dat's so wrong..
i kinda realized dat i dunno who i rly am..

who m i..
wad i rly m..
i noe i've been a jerk..
i've did a lot of things dat hurt a lot of ppl..
when will i start to be mature??
right now..
if given a chance..
i wish im nvr born..
i hate myself terribly..
i thought i was d best..
i almost gud in everything..
the fact is..
im nt..
im ntg at all..
jux a scum..

rite now..
i jux dun wan to live anymore..
im sorry..

perhaps it wud be better if u all nvr met me b4..

2/10 - 3/10

"I surrender"

Sun:

ntg happened..
night mahjong..
still d mood..
nvr better..


Mon:

morning go wangsa maju renew passport..
bt haiz..
waste time only..
counter close..
technical prob..
so hav to go another day..
waste my time a!!!
plus..
d road very bumpy..
make dou me dizzy dy..

den after dat take passport pic..
saw a doggy!
so cute..
1st time c my bro so funny..
doing funny faces n actions..
lol!
cute-nya..
d dog..
XD

den ntg much..
finally finiz my terrible-taste medicine..
1 week..
1 torturing week!
finally over..
jux hope i can say dat for my problem..

lately i kept dreaming..
literally..
dreaming abt things dat will nvr happen anymore..
keep dreaming bout happy things..
which only makes me sad..
cuz is jux a dream..
i tried everything..
to make things better..
bt i dun think dat work well as planned..
i dun wanna lose any of u..
bt..
i cant do a thing..

well..
i noe for now..
dere's ntg i can do..
d more i do..
d worse it will be..

as promised myself..
once i changed d pic of my fb..
i shud oso change my attitude in stuff..
be a new person??

now dere's a conflict..
i feel lik leaving dis place..
bt i noe i will miss it..
i will miss dis place..
d ppl here..
all d memories here..

i rly wanna hav a nice memory here in dis place..
i rly hope dat all problems will be solved by the time i rly graduate..
i wanna leave v good memories..
since we may nt meet agn next time..
we hav only 1 more month to interact..
im afraid i dunno how to react on d laz day we will meet..

to those dat has been by my side..
thanks a lot..
to those who has moved on..
jux to say..
i will still be dere if u nid me..
jux speak out..

i still prefer d old me..

1/10

Sat:

"The Truth"

cant rly sleep well..
keep waking up every hour..

well..
today's a lil awkward..
while tuition..
i dun feel bored or sleepy at all..
in fact..
studying is quite fun..

hours of tuition jux passed..

well..
the truth..
1 thing every1 wish to know..
bt once we know it..
we will hope that we dont know it at all..
dis is wad humans r like..

to some1..
jux to tell u..
if i dun k abt u at all..
i wun even wanna mention anything here..
i can jux ignore u lik every1 else..
bt instead..
i din..
i intended to apologize once more..
since maybe b4 dis wasn't too sincere enuf..
bt..
i guess u wun nid it anymore..
jux to tell u..
d feeling u hav now..
i had it b4.
bt mine turn out bad..
so i hope u wun hav d same..
bt ppl nvr learn when dey nvr fall..
jux b careful..
ppl may nt seem to be wad we want..

life is rough..
u nvr noe wad will happen next..
dun run on slippery floor..
or else u will fall easily..
take k..

some2..
well..
thx for acc-ing me all dese times..
even though sumtimes we argue..
bt..
i've learned to bear with it..
n try to change..
well..
as for wad u said laz nite.
i dunno wad to say abt it..
thanks??
sorry??
all i can say is..
dun waste too much time on worthless things la..
n i rly tried my best to help...
hope dey helped..

some 3..
thanks to u..
i felt a lil better chattin v ya..
u showed me many funny things oso..
haha..
well..
thx anywy..

some4..
d reason y i asked u for opinion abt me..
is bcuz i dun wan u to feel dat im annoying or sumthin..
well..
i may nvr noe wad u truly feel..
so..
if u nvr speak out..
i will nvr noe..
bt at last..
u speak out..

d reason i find u often is cuz i felt comfortable speaking to u..
talking about my problems..
or other things..
bt..
maybe to u is different..

well..
is gud to noe d truth..
i noe i may be a lil annoying..
even sumtimes i felt dat way..
bt is courageous of u to say dat..
n since u've said dat..
i think i noe wad im supposed to do..
i wun find u so often..
perhaps u will be happier without me..


every1 wants to noe d truth..
bt d truth is ugly..
it will only break sum1's heart..
(good conditions excluded)

as for me..
i think I've written everything i felt here in this blog..
reasons..
bcuz i wan ppl to know how i truly feel..
wad i lik..
wad i dislike..
ppl may say dat im courageous..
cuz ppl may hate me cuz of dat..
bt..
if our friendship cant pass thru dis simple obstacle..
imagine if dere's a bigger problem..
it will be worse..
only if both tolerates..
d bond will be stronger..
im ready to tolerate..
bt r u??
Is a risk..
bt I'm willing to take..
i dun wanna act all d way thru..
or else if a quarrel happens..
everything will be far worse..


i think im a great actor..
no1 sees the problem from d outside..
ppl may think im cheerful..
or happy..
bt actually im nt..
obviously..

i wanted to act lik im strong..
dun care abt everything at all..
bt deep down..
i mind..
i mind every single bit abt it..
is jux dat u dunno..

in fact..
i dun hate any1 now..
i jux hate myself..
for being overreacted..
i admit for being wrong sumtimes..

im an actor..
in front of u..
i may look happy n all..
bt deep down..
im nt..
jux in split sec.
i can totally change my emo.

im a liar too..
i keep lying to myself..
everything is alright..
when everything is nt right at all..

i admit..
i hav a gud life..
is jux dat i haven appreciate it all yet..
cherish every1 around u..
u may nt noe when u nid dem 1 day..

it's d 1st day of Oct..
n yet..
life is still d same..
i shud change..
im nt suitable in playing mind war games..
i cant take d challenge..
im oways d softhearted 1..

hav u ever felt dat..
u wanna leave this school str8 away??
well..
i do..
nt surprising..
bt sumtimes..
when i think dat..
i may nt hav d chance to meet u guys anymore..
i will feel kinda sad..
u may say dat we can come out n meet..
bt how many ppl will actually do dat..
sumhw..
i dun feel lik leaving too..
conflicts..

U'll nvr noe how mch im hurt..
never..
nt even i've told u..

30/9

Fri:

"I felt it"

laz day of september~

morning as usual..
den our class used as exam class for PMR..
so we nid chnge class..
b4 recess 5J..
after recess 3B..
rly bek to paleolithic era..
hidup berpindah randah..
LOL..
sivik gt d marks nt bad..

no check ei..
lucky XD
den BC..
finally gt d paper..
yay~
gt a 75..
fun~!

den BM~
erm..
finally no result..
thank god..
gt 65..
so ngam~~

recess..
ntg much..
ohya..
d arrogant u..
yup~
i ignore arrogant ppl~
say wadeva u wan..
haha~

den went to class..
bi..
haiz..
CALEB!!
oways u!!!
rawr!!

den pizza has arrived~
cool~!
bt hav to go to physic lab..
ntg much dere..
gt bek addmath paper 2..
wow..
teac count wrongly..
less 1 mark..
from 89 to 89.5 which is equal to 90~
weee~
quickly find teac~

den pigi makan pizza~
wooo~!
(wrong sequenxe,
shud be eating before finding teac @@)

sumhw..
i jux feel a moody??
cuz seeing sumthin agn??
tried to relax..
after adding marks..
jux went out n find dem..
no appetite dy..
blame it on d pizza la..
at least gt makan..

den went bek v xh..
go c d interview thingy..
sit dere n chat v few ppl..
bt my brain kept wandering around..
i cant stop thinking of dose things..
baba think im transparent de..
TT

den ntg much..
join d interview part..
sit down n listen wad dey say..
kinda funny though..
compared with prefects..
dat 1 more horrible..
no1 dares to laugh @@

den went home..
still..
mind kept thinking abt d things..

tuition..
heard yihui said..
i gt no.3~
wow..
kinda happy..
i lik 3 ^^
sumhw is my fav no..
once agn..
CALEB!!
no. 2!!
rawr~!
gonna make sure on tuesday~!

den ntg much..
during organ lesson..
argh..
dunno y cant concentrate..
keep making mistakes..
wrong wrong wrong..
feel so urgh~!!!

den ntg much..

emotional part..
dunno i've gt thru it or wad..
from waiting..
hatred grew too~
well..
ppl can be ppl..
y kept rmb-ing all d past??
every1 makes mistakes~
u too~
dis is how we learn..
so y keep thinking of it..
i jux dun quite understand it..
i can 4gt wad happened laz time..
y nt u?

fine..

ppl r ppl n sometimes it doesn't work out..

dis is d song dat kept me up from falling down!


den 2 some ppl..
ya..
i do care abt ppl n try to comfort when dey r sad enuf..
well..
dis is d past..
rite now..
u aint d boss of me anymore..
if i offer my caring n u dun wan it..
dat's fine by me..
bt..
dun expect me to listen to u anymore..
i wun giv a damn of it..
im nt ur toy..
i dun care wad kind of freakin' mood u hav dere..
u dont own me..
dun u think i will even wanna bother wad happened to u..
since u weren't even with me at all when i needed..
wadeva la..
jux a term..
actually quite disappointed..
bt..
fine la..
oredi biasa..
since im nt d #1 fren in ur heart..
i say wad oso useless de la..
w8 ur #1 comfort u la~!

well another matter..
jux to mention..
i feel dat im totally different when im depressed n not..
when im depressed..
i think dat almost everything in d world is wrong to me..
bt when im trying to comfort sum1..
i can actually think of a lot of positive things..
which even happened on me b4..
dis is weird dat i nvr thought of dat..
im totally diff~

bt anyway..
if ya think im dun hav d right to speak dose words..
say so..
at most i jux shut up~
best for every1~

well~
today is kinda a moody day for me..
bt..
nt dat depressed after all..
3 cases in 1 day..
well..
im stil standing..
cant bliv dat..
i shud be falling by now..

*1
rite now..
im tired of being so 'tolerate'??
u wanna hate me..
fine by me la..
i wun beg u anymore~
u may say I've changed..
bt u nvr knew u urself hav changed also..
sick of it dy la..
anyway..
b4 ending this..
I'll still jux APOLOGIZE for wad i did n said..
bye!

*2
u just let me down..
since im ntg to u dy la..
i dun hav to rly care wad happened rite??
who do u think u r anyway..
call me when u nid..
n leave when u dont??
LOL!

*3
SPEECHLESS!!
ish..
wadeva i say is nt gud de la..
dun listen la!



Trying my best not to care anymore..

bt still..

I will make u all regret for nt appreciating wad i did b4!
(mcm perasan sgt)

bt dat's how i feel n dis is how i write..

Grow up & CHANGE!!!

29/9

Thurs:

"THANK YOU"

2dy skul mcm biasa..
abit sien..
no new results..
only noe my addmath project gt 86..
quite high..
quite happy..
cuz hard work paid off..
bt actually i omost 4gt abt it..

den ntg much..
haiz..
i wan noe results de le..

den after recess..
gt 1 talk..
how to write a RESUME..
n wad to do during an interview..
wow..
sumhw im quite interested..
XD
n d speaker oso nt bad..
cool v d jokes..
wun feel too bored..
bt my back is aching..

den after dat go home lo..
nap..
after nap dun feel lik waking up..
bt hav to go for tuition..
wow..
during tuition..
my eyes rly..
cant stop dripping..
cant stop sleeping..
every time gt break den sure sleep xia de.. XD

den bek home..
oso..
sleep saje..
until 11..
wake up eat dinner..
y so tired har?
mcm eat jor med dat kind of drowsiness..
bt i din oso @@

den lately keep dreaming..
dose dream were so real..
2 days ago..
1st dream..
i dreamed dat sum1 dat kinda hate me actually asked me for a game of tetris..
jux when i said ok..
i woke up @@

2nd dream..
yesterday..
dreamed of a guy who lately kinda ignores me actually chat abt everything with me..
den when i gt to feel happy agn..
i woke up agn!!==
in the middle of d morning..
5 a.m.!
how i hope it's true..
cuz i dun lik d way u ignore me @@!

3rd dream..
afternoon nap dat time..
i dreamed dat i found a teac..
asked abt d result @@
dis is a weird dream..
bt every dream i had lately felt so true..
so real..
i was lik..
omg..
when i woke up..
i rly tot it was true for a moment..
den only i rmb i was sleeping @@
haiz..
wasted..

bt lately..
rly 1 thank sum1..
who was oways by my side..
staying up so late jux to comfort me..
haiz..
abit guilty tim..
bt..
wad she said is true..
ppl hav different mindset..
im too naive to think dat every1 will hav almost d same feeling as me..
bt actually i was wrong..
i nid ppl to comfort me when im down..
bt dat doesnt mean u guys nid it too..
having high hopes aint good..

anyway..
wad i rly wanna say is..
i rly appreciate it..
maybe i din rly show it..
n let u down..
bt..
no matter how..
im pleased u were with me when i nided..
sry for the things dat ive done..

u're not a fool..
jux too caring..
dat's all..
=)

funny dat my blog content dont rly match d title..
XD

28/9

Wed:

"Believe In Yourself"

2day went to a motivational talk..
by Adam Khoo..
a successful person from a not so not so gud past..

dis talk motivated me a lil..
believe in urself..
with the help of believing..
we can actually achieve sumthin we cant..

bt even dis is a motivation talk focused on studies..
bt to me..
i take it the other way..
de friendship way..


u noe..
rite now..
i jux cant be happy..
i kept dreaming of things dat will not happen..
literally dreaming..
when i wake up..
it makes me feels worse..


every time i w8ed..
bt in the end..
i jux put down my pride and all..
i find u all..
bt when d reactions i saw from u guys..
it makes me feel lik a fool..
i dun think any of d previous heads done dis kind of things b4..
i wonder y im doing it..
i think is a joke..
d ketua pengawas keep bugging me~!
keep finding me n saying nonsense..
i think maybe dis is hw u guys feel..

i ignore my dignity n all..
bt in the end..
i guess im jux a joke rite??

I'm trying to change..
I've tried a lot of times..
I still can't find the RIGHT me..

right now..
Im trying my best to just ignore everyone..
i try my best not to find u all..
unless u all find me..
It's hard for me..
bt I'll try my best..
I can't gain friendship..
at least..
i will try to regain my dignity..
i dun wanna be a fool..
finding u all bt in the end..

I'll only treat dose who find me..
to others whom I once rly cared..
bye..
i noe u guys wun even notice my presence..
is jux me who is thinking too much..

it's right..
ppl hav different way of thinking..
wad i thought is important might seemed to be ntg to u guys..
I'll jux hav to change...