27/9

Tues:

"Choice of words"

went bek to school..
saw some of my results..
still quite satisfy with it..
phy gt 89..
left 1 mark gt 90 argh..
wasted..
bt still satisfy though..
even nt highest dy..
BM paper 2 70..
dunno how to say..
average mark @@
hope p1 wont be too bad..

den 2day gt quite many papers..
math 99..
ish..
stupid question..
even skema oso wrong!
my ans same as skema de lo @@
y nt right le?? XD
funny la..
wad oso ikut skema..
when i right den sure wun ikut skema 1..
lol la!
nvm..
suan le..
at least midterm gud la..

den bio 70++..
gt improvement la..
dis time no take tips..
so gt marks lik dis oso consider nt bad..

sj..
@@
unexpected gt 80+..
bt guilty la..
cuz ada tips punya..
haiz..
rly shocked oso..
hav to rly work for it during spm..
muz try my best..

moral 92..
weeee~
2nd highest..
yer..
lose to yan agn..
teac rly funny la..
ppl A+ oso purposely wan find mistake de..
lol!
quite happy though..

den ntg much@@

as for my feelings..
dunno wad to say abt it..
ppl changed..
perhaps i did to..
when ppl told me I've changed..
I dun rly rmb how i used to be..
cheerful?
nt quite sure..

N 1 thing I've learned..
choice of words is important..
different choice of words..
bring up different meaning..
sometimes it may be cruel too..
bt u urself wudn't know it..
n from "choice of words"..
I can kinda see how sum1 rly feels..
at least dose words muz be sincere de la..
if faking sure cant..
bt i can kinda guess out how sum1 feel..
indeed some words will only make us feel annoyed..

sumhw..
i feel lik a new born baby..
I dun quite understand how dis world works..
everything changes in split second..
u will nvr noe wad will happen next in life..
some ppl will be very kind n friendly now..
talking lik best friends..
bt perhaps a day later or two..
dey will treat u lik " who are you?"..
dun disturb me!
i rly cant figure out wad do dey truly feel..

1 thing for sure..
I care wad ppl think of me..
I noe i cant take it..
this is my weakness..
I've been trying my best to please almost everyone..
bt sumhw my temper jux makes it worse..
since young..
Im hot tempered..
i knew it..
bt i jux cant change it..

bt wad i not quite understand is..
y cant i do things dat other ppl do to me?
it's nt fair to me at all..
when every1 else does d thing..
ntg happens..
bt once i do it..
I'm d 1 to be blamed..
to be scolded..

i dunno when is a person smiling sincerely..
when is it when he/she is jux waiting for a chance to stab me..

I know it's not deir duty to care abt me..
bt I was dere for them..
y cant dey be dere for me?
It might be selfish for me to say dat..
bt..
who in dis world does nt hav desire?

sumtimes..
when ppl r in depressed..
i tried my best to comfort them..
giving dem advice..
trying all my best to make dem feel better..
bt actually..
i hope 1 day when im in trouble or depressed..
U will be dere for me..
perhaps jux listening is enuf..
bt u noe how annoying is it for me to see dose symbols??
-.-
==
zz
...
dis jux shows me how reluctant u r to listen to me..
den y do u find me in d first place?
if u wanna noe..
den listen it lik u care..
dun giv me dis kind of reaction..
u dunno how much it hurts..
im speaking out how i truly feel..
bt u r taking it as a joke..
i dun nid u to help me kill or steal or do anything..
jux some words dat can cheer up..
dat's enuf..
bt..
if u jux show me how reluctant u r..
do u think i will feel better??

who doesn't wan to be happy all the time??
who doesn't wan to laugh all the time??
bt i cant..
things hav given me more pressure..
more depressed..
i can barely even control my temper..
i can jux blow up at any minute..
bt who knows??
who knows how hard is it for me??

I put down everything..
my dignity..
pride..
acting lik as if ntg wrong..
even im also mad..
i dun k!
i 4gt abt it..
trying to fix things over..
bt who realizes it?
I admit wad I've done wrong..
bt in the end..
wad do i gt..
being a laughing stock??

I am weak!
I admit that..
I wanted to be strong..
bt i cant..
i cant ignore things dat happen around me..
I know i cant change any1..
bt i rly hope for it..
d way i treat u b4..
is d way how u wan to treat me..
bt all i gt is disappointment..
i dun think u rmb-ed wad i did for u..
I guess I'm still living in the past..
where every1 hav moved on..
I'm still dere alone..
wondering when will u guys come back..
even though i noe it'll nvr happen..
In the end..
i loses control of my emotions..
Im trying my best to "fit in"..
I jux cant..
it hurts me to see all of u being so kind to each other..
sharing secrets n all..
bt..
im jux a nobody..

i tried my best to act strong..
n ignorant..
bt..
eventually it jux fails..
i cant be strong..
im nt d kind of person who's strong..

trying to adapt myself..
treating ppl d way dey treat others..
bt in the end is still d same..
fate??
no matter how i do..
It jux dun seem to work..
as time goes by..
I think I've changed..
adapting myself with all sorts of behaviours..
bt..
how much hav i changed??
I wanna noe...
I wanna noe how i was back then..
I wanna noe who I rly am..

I chose friendship over pride & dignity..
is dis a wrong choice??
will i ever make a right choice in my life?




You know..
when Im in depressed..
close frens of mine wont find me..
in fact..
miraculously..
dose who i tot isnt too close found me..
a simple msg dat rly cheered me up..
even it only consist of 2 words..

YOU've been there with me every time..
No matter how bad i treated you..
you'll still be dere for me..
telling me wad's rly happening..
for this..
I rly wanna thank you..
Thanks..

trying my best to be strong..